STEVEN UNIVERSE: THE CLUSTER
by MYHEARTFEELSDEADINSIDE
Summary: STEVEN UNIVERSE: THE CLUSTER


**STEVEN UNIVERSE: THE CLUSTERFUCK.**

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I WAS DRUNK WHEN I WROTE THIS. _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!_ [LEAVE ME REVIEWS!] _  
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* * *

One day in Steven Universe world, Steven woke up with Amethyst's foot in his mouth. "What the FUCK is this bullshit." He muttered spitting out the foot. "GET YOUR FOOT OFF MY FACE, BITCH."

Amethyst woke up. "HEY, YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO." she screeched,"I DO WHAT THE FUCK I WANT."

Garnet entered the room and gave Steven a thumbs up.

"STEVEN!" hollered Pearl from the kitchen, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THE STOVE?!" A loud explosion happened next.

Steven farted loudly as he groggily got up from his bed to head on over to the kitchen. "What is it?" He asked while rubbing his eyes.

Pearl hysterically pointed to the stove on fire. "WHAT FUCKERY WERE YOU UP TO LAST NIGHT, STEVEN?!" The flames began spreading into other parts of the kitchen.

"Oh that!" shrugged Steven while smiling, "Peridot and I were attempting to bake a cake filled entirely with gasoline."

"WHY... ON... EARTH WOULD YOU FUCKING DO THAT?!"

"Fuck if I know."

Pearl's hair caught on fire but she was too angry to care.

Suddenly Peridot entered the kitchen carrying a broom and matches. "HEEEEY STEVEN!" she shouted, "I SEE THE HUMAN FOOD CREATION WAS A SUCCESS. LET US FEED IT TO THE-"

Pearl made that weird loud " _OHHHHHHHHHHH_ " sound she usually does when infuriated.

Out of nowhere Jasper fell in through the ceiling.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" screamed Pearl hysterically. "I THOUGHT I GOT RID OF YOU!"

"Youuuu." muttered Jasper weakly to Pearl. "Youuuu... biiiitch." She shot the finger at her.

Pearl exploded into flames representing her eternal rage.

Steven walked out of the house not bothering to help put out the flames as they spread. Garnet broke a window and shoved her hand out to give Steven another thumbs up. Steven shot the finger at her as the house ignited into a fiery explosion.

* * *

Meanwhile, Connie was walking around Beach City. "More like BITCH City." she sneered while chuckling to herself.

Steven spotted Connie and ran up to her. "CONNIE!" he shouted running up to hug her.

Connie was overjoyed to spot Steven and responded with, "STEVEN! YOU BITCH! WHERE WERE YOU?"

Steven jumped into her face and broke her nose.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT," Connie screeched, "YOU FUCKING BITCH!"

"WHAT! I WAS TRYING TO MERGE!"

"YOU FUCKING WHORE!"

The two suddenly merged right in front of children. "FEEL MY FUCKING PAIN, YOU SHIT. YOU BROKE MY NOSE!" Stevonnie screeched. "GET YOUR DICK OUT MY BODY THIS INSTANT! NO, YOU GET _YOUR_ DICK OUT MY BODY THIS INSTANT! WHAT THE FUCK! YOU GOT A DICK?! STOP FUCKING SAYING DICK, YOU DICK!"

Their bickering terrified the children and they screamed in horror.

"THIS IS SEX FOR YOU, KIDS!" shrieked Stevonnie angrily at the kids, "THIS IS FUCKING WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU GROW UP! YOUR GOD DAMN SPOUSE FUCKING BREAKS YOUR NOSE AND THEN JAMS THEIR WHOLE FUCKING BODY UP YOUR FUCKING ASS AND THEY PISS ALL OVER THE PLACE!"

The children cried loudly and ran away while still screaming. One child reported Stevonnie's rants to a cop. Soon police sirens were heard heading towards merged being's direction.

"OH SHIT IT'S THE COPS!" Stevonnie screeched, "OH FUCK! THIS IS YOUR FAULT! SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE! IT WAS YOUR FAULT! YOU BITCH! YOU FAT CUNT! FUCK YOUR FUCKING WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND FUCKING DIE!"

An elderly woman heard Stevonnie screaming obscenities at themselves and she fainted.

"BITCH!"

Suddenly Steven and Connie split.

"I AM NOT TAKING THIS BULLSHIT!" shouted Connie as she ran to hide within a bookstore.

The cops spotted Steven and tried to run him over with their cars.

"OOOOH SHIT!" screamed Steven running for his life.

* * *

Back at the barn, Lapis was glaring into nothingness. Peridot suddenly entered her view. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY LAAAAAPIS!" she shouted and a cheesy laugh track played.

Lapis punched her and then got up to fly on over to Steven's house.

Peridot was on the floor twitching in agony. "WELL THAT'S A... SOUR GRAPE… AM I RIGHT?" a cheesy laugh track played again.

Lapis returned and angrily stomped Peridot.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" shouted Peridot.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screeched Lapis, "OH MY FUCK! SHUT UP!" After a final stomp, she took off into the air. She was so angry that she forgot to scrap Peridot off her foot.

"He-Heeeh." Grinned Peridot weakly with broken teeth.

* * *

"GARNET! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" shouted Amethyst running in circles around the flames.

Garnet gave her a thumbs up.

Steven barged into the house screaming. "AAAAAAAHHHH!" A cop car crashed right into the house and exploded into flames.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" Steven screamed.

"THE HOUSE IS BURNING!" shouted Amethyst. "WHAT DO WE DO?!"

"NOOOO!" cried Steven while looking out a window. He spotted Lapis flying towards them. "LOOK!" shouted Steven pointing up at Lapis, "IT'S LAPIS!" He opened the window to wave at her.

"Wat up." Lapis responded.

"HELP US, LAPIS! USE YOUR WATER POWERS!"

"Okay." monotonously responded Lapis as she flew over the house.

She started urinating onto it. Steven stared at her traumatized.

Ten minutes later Lapis finished and then peered downward to observe her results. Her urination did not stop the flames. It _increased_ it.

"Well, I tried." shrugged Lapis as she flew away.

She suddenly reversed and returned back to the roof of the house. "Oh hold on." she scrapped her foot with a shovel releasing Peridot down onto the fiery house.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" shouted Peridot as she crashed through the roof of the house.

"There we go." Said Lapis contently as she left.

 **TO BE CONTINUED.  
**  
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